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Writer's picturePennie

Dying, Rebirth, Growth: A Metamorphosis

Updated: Oct 6



It is autumn, season of change, a dying in order for rebirth. We are well on our way into autumn now, the season of shedding and letting go. Autumn symbolises the necessary process of dying in order to be reborn. It is a time for reflection, release, and preparation for the new opportunities that lie ahead.


We can see this all around us in nature. We too can undergo major metamorphosis in our own lives too. I can feel myself undergoing rapid change at the moment. I am in the autumn stage of my life as a woman, I feel like I am growing into something different on many different levels, not least as my imminent graduation as a yoga therapist.


I have been studying for this qualification for two years now, I have resisted the process all of the way through. It is from a feeling out of my depth and totally out of my comfort zone. But as my teacher Melanie Cooper said to me on a recent Yin Teacher Training:

“The comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there…” - John Assaraf

I did a lot of soul searching and realised it was self doubt, stemming from not feeling good enough when I was put into the remedial class at school, aged 5. I was totally deaf with glue ear which affected my reading.


I had several operations on my ears, leaving scars on my ear drums and my psyche. I was never a confident reader at school, because of this, and was incredibly shy. I had two intellectual and academic parents, and although I was always in the top class I never felt good enough.


I have had a strong daily practice for 6 months now: pranayama, meditation and movement. I have recently been using this sankalpa - “I let go of self doubt’. I do not think that it is any coincidence that something finally clicked last week while I was away on my course.


Five intense days, our penultimate meeting before graduating. It included our major assessment: being observed giving yoga therapy to a client for one hour.


I, along with two others, were put into the first group due to our nerves during the mock assessment. In a strange turn of events I was not nervous. I was able to let go of all of the self doubt I had been feeling, the imposter syndrome! I truly embraced the prospect of becoming a yoga therapist for the first time.


Something has definitely shifted, I feel so much lighter and I feel ready to take this next step into the new unknown. This is what the practice is for, what I practice for. Inner peace.

“You’ve gotta let go of who you were to become who you are. Stop clinging to old versions of yourself and start embracing the person you are becoming.”- Elizabeth Gilbert

As a 52 year old woman, I am in the autumn of my life. I felt ready to embark on and embrace the next stage in my life - ‘The Great Awakening’ as they say in Wise Power (currently 1/2 price) the book that changed my whole perspective on menopause. I was wholly accepting of the rebirth, yet I hadn’t really comprehended what I was leaving behind.


Last week, whilst on the course, I had an epiphany. I was in the middle of my practice, repeating mantra, when I suddenly burst into tears. I sobbed in the realisation of all that I was letting go of - my youth, my ability to have children (even though I never really wanted them), the likely deterioration of my health as I age, changes to my body shape, aging, and potentially - as an older woman, becoming somewhat invisible. I was bereft.


When I spoke to my friend about this she mentioned that she grieved when her periods ceased, even though she already had two children and didn’t want anymore. Why was I not aware of this phenomenon?! I totally understand if children were wanted and time has run out but I didn’t think ‘I’ would feel like this.


Fertility is not just about the potential for childbirth; it can also symbolise youth, vitality, and a connection to a powerful aspect of womanhood. Our fundamental reason for existence is to procreate after all, so it makes sense. It is the finality of it I guess.


I am sure the feeling of invisibility is very real for many women too, I have had friends mention it to me already. The Channel 4 Series ‘The Change’ demonstrates this wonderfully within the first 10 minutes of the series. It is about one woman’s journey through the changing tides (literally) of menopause, others perceptions of her behaviour and her path to the forest on a journey of self discovery. It's a comedy drama; I am not great with comedy - organised fun - but I loved the accurate observations explored within this series, including the disparity of the roles of men and women due to social conditioning.


Invisibility doesn’t have to define the aging experience. By embracing empowerment, challenging societal norms, and redefining our worth, we can reclaim our visibility and navigate this stage of life with confidence and wisdom.


Stepping into our power, in this great awakening to become ‘wise women’. Let us all, men and women, do all that we can to change these cultural norms.


In the end, visibility isn’t just about how others see us - it is about how we choose to see ourselves. True visibility comes from within; the light that we shine onto the world. A friend of mine once said that people become either more attractive or less attractive as she gets to know them, depending on their personality, so true.


Beauty really does come within. My sister had many operations for bone cancer located in her jaw, which left her incredibly scarred, and yet she shone so brightly. She had half of her jaw replaced and later her full jaw replaced using the two fibular bones from her legs. She was told she would never walk properly again, she went skiing thereafter! We, who loved her, did not see the scarring, we only saw her light. She is, to this day, my hero and the person I will admire the most until I am no more.


By shifting our own focus inward, we can reclaim the power to define our own worth, value, and relevance. When we see ourselves clearly and confidently, we no longer need external validation to feel visible or important. I certainly feel this as a woman in my 50s, and, there is definitely an element of not caring so much what people think too, which has been liberating.


I know many of you are with me in this metamorphosis, so I am thinking about setting up a monthly, or six weekly therapeutic meet up for women. For anyone who is about to, is going through, or has gone through the menopause.


I feel that this is something that we need - a coming together. We need to take things slower during this transition, this has been the most important thing I have learnt, so i will offer relaxing and restorative practice and create a safe space for us to share our voices and stories, as each one is unique.


Although menopause is talked about more openly, there is still a lot of stigmatism attached to it. It is a time to be and feel seen, heard and nurtured. When we support and foster solidarity through connection, a shared experience, instead of an isolating one.

"Menopause is a natural part of a woman’s life cycle, not something to fear. It’s a time of transformation, a shedding of old skin, and the beginning of a new chapter filled with wisdom, strength, and renewed purpose."- Christiane Northrup

If you are undergoing a metamorphosis of your own, any kind of transformation that you need a little help with HERE is a beautiful piece of writing 'Thresholds' by John O’Donohue 


I first shared it last year, when it helped me with my break-up. It is helping me now with my transition into becoming a yoga therapist. It is giving me courage and confidence as I enter into the new and uncommon landscape in my new phase of womanhood.

 


 



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